So, apologies for being incommunicado for a while, but I was off on vacation and then got some excellent news that had my nose to the grindstone–or the laptop–for most of January. It also taught me a whole bunch of interesting things about myself and other people.
A few months ago I entered my WIP in a contest, the kind where you submit the first fifty or so pages, along with a synopsis, and then wait to see if you are asked for the full. I did it mainly as an exercise, to force myself to commit to a NaNoWriMo project by doing some of the thinking in advance. Getting asked for the entire manuscript seemed like an impossibility.
Well, of course you can guess what happened: I got a request to send in the whole thing on less than two weeks’ notice. Luckily, I did have a manuscript, but I hadn’t spent nearly as much time polishing it as I would have if I’d had more confidence in my work. That was the first lesson: stop selling myself short. Lack of confidence can create self-fulfilling prophesies.
I got my butt into gear–or into the seat of the chair–and polished my manuscript as much as I could, finally sending it off twenty minutes before the post office closed on deadline day. Although I’m still kicking myself for not working on the assumption that I needed to be ready for that request, I still ended up with a good piece of work. I’m glad I didn’t give in to my initial fear-driven impulse withdraw from the contest. Lesson two: I can accomplish more than I think when I really put my mind to it.
I was quite surprised, though, to get a snarky comment from a fellow writer who had previously been supportive. I told a couple of friends about it, and their immediate response was “she’s envious,” which makes sense, because while she’s had a few short stories published, she’s never finished a novel, let alone had one short-listed for a major contest. She sees herself as a gatekeeper, too, and is very fond of statements like “you have to pay your dues.” (Really, sez who? Who decides what they are? And who “gets paid”?) The envy hypothesis was confirmed for me when I sent a link to an interesting article related to a discussion the group was having on e-mail and got a snarky, “reply all” response.
Anyway, while her reaction has disappointed me, I learned several things from it. On a micro scale, I don’t need this lady’s approval. The big lesson was that it feels much better to be on the receiving end of envy than vice versa. I realized that, due to a whole bunch of factors in my family of origin, I’ve been afraid to really spread my wings in certain areas because it might arouse negativity from others. Experiencing someone’s direct envy, and not being destroyed by it, is very liberating for me.
The really sad part of this, though, is that if she’d been willing to have a conversation with me about it, I would have said a few things that might have made her feel better. After all, I have no illusions that my writing is any better than hers. She’s very talented. But, the bottom line is that my submission got long-listed because a) I entered the contest and b) a manuscript existed. You have a much better chance of winning a contest, or getting published, if you write something and send it out. It’s a good reminder to myself, too, that next time I’m envious of somebody I should look at the things that person might be doing that I’m not.
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*12X12 is my commitment to write at least monthly on something related to my #Reverb11 work. My theme for the year is “release,” and I’m pleased that I have let go of some of my fear, people-pleasing, and permission-seeking. So far, so good.
Catching up on the last couple of Reverb11 posts since I’m going to be away from my regular internet connection for the next couple of days.
Yesterday’s was: compassion, did it surprise you in 2011?
Oh yeah. But I was not surprised by other people’s compassion, since I know there were lots of great folks out there. Instead, it was my own that took me by surprise: the sudden ability to see a work nemesis as a little girl desperate to please “the big people” and unable to understand why her peers detested her, and the realization that a relative’s bizarre behaviour is linked to anxiety and toxic shame rather than malice. (Well, maybe in that case it would be more accurate to say that the malice is linked to anxiety and toxic shame.)
I attribute at lot of this to writing, since the effort to understand an antagonist’s motivation can’t help but carry over into real life.
Today’s theme is: What is your theme for 2012?
Mine is “release,” both in the sense of letting go, but also in the sense of freeing things, “releasing the hounds.” I’m tired of holding back, waiting, asking for permission. This year, I’m going to let it all out, in my writing and in my life, and let the chips fall where they may.
#12X12
I’m having so much fun with this Reverb business that I’m going to revisit it with a posting every month. I’ll give it some thought while I’m away and post more when I’m back online at the end of the week.
Happy New Year!
Catching up on #Reverb11 posts: what would you do if you were ten years younger? Can you do at least some of it today?
Frankly, there isn’t much that I think I’m too old to do. I do wish I’d pushed harder with my writing ten years ago. I was waiting for some kind of permission from somewhere, not realizing that it would never come, since it had to come from myself. Every so often I am consumed with regret when I think how much traditional publishing has changed. Maybe if I’d gotten my act together back then I could have had a contract etc. by now.
Then again, there are all kinds of options for writers now, including quality indie publishing, that were not available back then. The bottom line is that I need to focus on my craft and producing quality material. There’s no substitute for a really good book.
How can you be kinder to yourself in 2012?
See above. The kindest thing I can do for myself in 2012 is give my writing the time and respect it deserves, and not get sidetracked by these other considerations. The cart is no good to anyone if it’s before the horse.
Today’s prompt: who do you want to surprise in 2011?
There’s only one answer to that: myself. I want to shock myself with the level of calm, productivity, and creativity I can bring to the year. I want to surprise my old self by living without some of the self-imposed restrictions that have been part of my thinking for so long.
[And, okay, lest you think I have been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by a pod-person, I would like to shock a few people who have been benefiting from those self-imposed restrictions, too.]
Recovering from a lovely Christmas and catching up on some prompts.
Work: grind, calling, or something in-between?
When I wrote this, I was thinking of my day job, which I both love and hate. Love because it gives me the opportunity to think about exciting issues, travel and live in interesting places, and meet and work with fascinating, smart people. Hate because I’m a cog in a huge bureaucratic machine that cares less and less about professional standards, and fosters a work culture that is dysfunctional at best and toxic at worst. So, my day job is, if not actually a calling, then a powerful draw, but it can also be a grind. Writing, my powerful avocation, keeps me sane most of the time.
As I started to think about this entry, though, I realized that the whole concept of work, or effort in general, needs some attention in my life. I’m strong and have the capacity to push much harder than I’ve been pushing. That applies to the day job, but also to writing, and to my personal life, including my fitness. I’m looking forward to digging in.
Family: what’s yours?
I think I’m fairly typical of a 21st Century person–my true family is a network of close friends, and pets–and my blood relatives, while important, live far away and are less a part of my daily life. My online community is also pretty important to me, especially when it comes to writing.
Who surprised you this year?
A few friends got published this year, and while it didn’t surprise me in the sense that I always knew it should happen, it was really nice to see things turn out the way they should.
In 2012, I hope I get to be the surprising one!
Catching up on three days’ worth of prompts:
Bite, lick, suck. Discuss.
Er. Not so sure what I was thinking when I wrote that one, maybe tequila shots or something. I need more sensory detail in my writing. (Who am I kidding, I need that in my life!)
What are you sick and tired of?
The nastiness in politics, and the effect it’s having on the overall atmosphere of my city. A lot of people are worried about their jobs. Many feel powerless. That’s translating into a lot of impatience, intolerance, and overall snarkiness. I really notice it in shops and on the roads. I think the only way to deal is to focus on my own stuff, let go of things I can’t control, stay away from mean people, and not become one myself. Yes, I can.
Tomorrow the sun returns. What’s rising in your life?
I answered that in my last entry, or at least, those are the things I want to rise in my life. If I have to sum it up I guess I’d say that the main thing rising is the sense that I shape my own experience through my reactions and my thoughts, and nobody else can or should do that for me. I don’t need anybody’s permission to have the life I want, and I can’t blame them for much, either. (Of course there are bad experiences, but it’s up to me how long I hold onto them.)
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Okay, so here I am again, backdating a #Reverb11 entry. Not sure why I fell behind on this one, since I thought it was going to be one of the easiest to write.
Er, maybe that’s why.
Anyway, here’s my list of 12 things I want more of in 2012, in no particular order:
1. Sleep. I know that I need about 7.5 hours to function optimally, and I’ve been chipping away at that for the past year or so. Apparently getting less than 7 hours makes you more prone to gaining weight, too. The bottom line is that I’m going to have to give up those 10pm TV shows. But that’s okay, since a) I want to watch less TV anyway, and b) I have a PVR.
2. Focus. I have a bunch of things that I want to get done this year, and I need to stay focussed on them and not get bogged down in distractions, including the nasty emotional ones like jealousy, anger, fear, etc..
3. Effort/work. I’ve been cutting myself a lot of slack over the past couple of years, and I feel like it’s time to push harder. Hopefully I’ll get the focus I need to channel these efforts properly, but I want to stop shying away from things because they are too hard. I can do hard things, I know it!
4. Patience. Things rarely take as long as I fear they are going to, and delays are often inconsequential or even for the better. I need to be patient with the time it’s taking for me to learn my craft and hone my work into something that deserves to see the light of day.
5. Energy. More focus and patience should help with that.
6. Quality time with positive people who support my goals. I’m tired of people who insist that things can’t be done because they haven’t succeeded in doing them. There are a few people out there who are living my dream, and I need to find them and take their advice.
7. Reading. Even though I clock at least a couple of books per month, I still feel like I waste time on useless stuff when I could be reading.
8. Writing. See above. I need to get into a better routine and pay it the respect it deserves.
9. Physical activity. I need to spend more time outside and less in front of the TV or in restaurants. I’m pretty sure that will help with all of the above.
10. Creativity. I want to play more, and have more fun with everyday things.
11. Release. There are still things I need to let go of, and a few I’d like to unleash. My writing has to get more personal, closer to the bone–which might mean closer to others’ bones–and that scares me. But it’s got to be done.
12. Intention. My little insight about dropping mini-victimhood is already making a difference. I do things because I want to do them, even if they’re not fun or the payoff is not immediately apparent.
I think 2012 is going to be a great year. In fact, I intend it to be so!
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Today’s prompt: 12 things I want less of in 2012:
1. Clutter. My cleaning supplies have been in my dining room/study for months because the storage/laundry room is too full of crap for the cleaning lady to get into. This means I’m always taking the laptop somewhere else in the house to write, with varying degrees of success. I need to give writing more priority in my space.
2. Self-imposed restrictions. When I started with my writing group, I was entirely focused on crime, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’d like to do other things. There’s no reason I can’t.
3. Mindless TV. Unlike many people, I believe there are some excellent shows on TV. I also believe that there’s nothing wrong with zoning out to a bit of brain candy once in a while. But I spend far too many evenings channel surfing—at the expense of writing—without even knowing what I’ve seen.
4. Apologizing. I do that mindlessly, too.
5. Procrastination. I’ll write about that one later…
6. Mini-victimhood. I do very little that I don’t want to do, on some level and/or for some reason. I want to remind myself of that and do things with clearer intention.
7. The disease to please. I like gold stars for my writing. More risks mean more chance to hurt or offend people, but that’s life.
8. Judgment, mine and other people’s. Does it matter how stupid other people are, or are not?
Or what those stupid people think of me, or anything else? I’ve been fascinated by the recent plagiarism scandals in the media, but it’s really not that relevant to me, or my life. Those authors have to live with their readers, their publishers, and more importantly, themselves.
9. Anger/resentment. There’s still quite a way to go on that, even though I’ve made more progress than I would have thought possible. I’m looking forward to freeing up more creative energy.
10. Body fat. Me and most of the population of North America. Still, that does not diminish the challenge, or the importance.
11. Fear. And it’s twin, doubt, and offspring, anxiety, which leads to the tendency to seek permission, and then to get angry and resentful when I don’t get it. Nobody can fulfill my need for permission since nobody has the authority I seek except me.
12. Impatience. I want to get it done, now, get published, yesterday. But I need to practice the craft and get good at it. The journey is the destination and all that.
Catching up on yesterday and today’s prompts: name three things you learned this year. Will they change anything you do in 2012? And: what did you let go of this year? Is there anything you still need to release?
It’s hard to confine myself to only three lessons—2011 was a big year for the flashes of insight, but here’s a list with a slightly philosophical cast, with items in no particular order:
1.) I am not my friends, or my writing group, and what works for them might not be good for them, and vice versa.
On a personal level, this hit me when a friend was involved in a destructive romantic relationship, and I told her I thought she was being delusional to the point of self-harm. She hit back at me for being over-involved in her life. While I do think I was right to say something, since she was losing touch with reality, it wasn’t until I put it in terms of my own feelings (“I’m worried about you”) that she really got my point. And that really was the point, rather than the one that I had been making (“You need to smarten the f*ck up and do what I tell you,” although not stated quite so bluntly).
In writing terms, this hit me when a short story my group hated—but I loved– was shortlisted for a major contest. I’m glad I had the confidence to take their suggestions on concrete things but ignore their value judgments about the piece.
2.) When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
This was really the big revelation of 2011–as soon as I started to admit that there were things I needed help with, all of a sudden, solutions and inspiration started to appear out of nowhere. It happened with work, with writing, with fitness, etc., etc..
3.) Praise and blame really are the same.
I wrote about this concept a few months ago, when I found myself revisiting the mantra of a handsome Irish monk I’d met many years ago. He used to repeat this over and over again, and I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. After all,who doesn’t hate blame, and love praise? But his point was that it’s all somebody else’s judgement, and if you want peace, you have to learn to be no more motivated by one than the other. Otherwise you will end up controlled by the perceptions–and limitations–of others. Who wants that, in writing or in life?
On the letting go thing, well, I’m fifteen pounds lighter, and minus the idea that I don’t have to weigh myself to keep things under control. I also gave up the presidency of a volunteer organization, and the lingering, tiny hope that my ex would realize what an idiot he was. (Not that I want him back, you understand, but I’ve let go of the idea that I will ever be able to see him grovel. Pity.)
Most importantly, I let go of–as opposed to unleashing–a whole bunch of longstanding anger and resentment this year. This, in turn, has freed up a whole bunch of creative energy. It’s also allowed me to see things much more clearly. For example, somebody I know insists on having the Shopping Channel on in the background all the time, even when she has houseguests who would rather watch something else. It turns out that, rather than just being shallow, controlling, and inconsiderate, she is trying to avoid anything upsetting. Apparently, anxiety overwhelms her when she hears any bad news about accidents, especially if they involve children or animals. Amazing what you can learn when you pay attention with out judging. (Or at least, without judging as much. I don’t want to give anyone the illusion that I’ve suddenly morphed into the Dalai Lama.)
As for what I still need to let go of, well, my anger issues will probably need to be managed for the rest of my life. But I’ve identified two specifics that contribute to them. One is my tendency to moan about not wanting to do things, rather than focusing on the deeper reason I’ve chosen to go ahead with something. I need to change my thinking and, in the rare instances where there is no deeper reason, or the reason is negative, dump those burdens.
The other, related thing, is my instinct please others, no matter who they are. A couple of days ago I caught myself offering unsolicited help and information to someone who had failed to acknowledge the help I’d provided in response to a previous request a few weeks ago. There was absolutely no reason for me to speak up on the subject, except for the knee-jerk reflex to be “nice.” Of course, this guy feels entitled to other people’s efforts, and doesn’t even see the need to express appreciation for the “niceness,” especially since this time, I offered without being asked. And now I’m resentful of him, which isn’t very “nice,” either.
So yeah, a few projects for next year.
How appropriate is it that today’s prompt, “what did you want that you got?” falls on a Wins-day? And, today is a pretty good Wins-day, if I do say so myself. I even got one of the things I’ve been wanting, i.e. new windows (WIN-dows, geddit?) on this very day. Maybe this winter I will not have icy air blowing through the condo at random moments.
Anyway, I got a bunch of things I wanted this year, both tangible and less so. Thanks to my auntie’s estate, I’m debt-free and have an emergency fund for the first time in a few years. That allowed me to purchase a few things, including a couple of extremely nice Coach bags. I also got a new assignment at work and a better perspective on life.
Tomorrow’s entry is about the things I wanted that I didn’t get. The fact that this will be a longer entry says something about the human psyche.
